Where Do Missing Socks Go?
An Investigative Report by Draken Pi Biro – “Goblin Expert”
Have you ever wondered what happens to missing socks? Why over time you end up with so many odd ones? Sure, its partner might have fallen behind some furniture, still be in the washing machine or in some such location. There could well be a ‘normal’ explanation and they’ll turn up again in a mundane place or manner someday. However, the more likely outcome is that you’ll never see that missing sock again. Why? Well because a sock goblin probably nabbed it long before you even clocked it was missing in the first place.
Sock goblins are mischievous fairy creatures, one of many actually, that still linger in our world. Well, thrive would probably be a better word nowadays, considering the abundance of available footwear. What came first, the sock or the sock goblin? This question has troubled many a philosopher and scholar alike. Nobody can say for sure anymore, as those records were lost many centuries ago. What we do know for certain is that they can’t resist relieving socks from neglectful sock owners. Hence the name. They actually compose ballads that recount the most daring rescues and the vilest sock abusers. Afterall, in their minds at least, we’re often the villains.
They’re small creatures, no bigger than an adult sparrow, with skin not too dissimilar to that of a common toad. Yet despite their miniature stature, they are masters at their craft. They can fold a sock into an easily transported bundle in the blink of an eye.  They are particularly partial to right socks (yes, they know the difference) but won’t pass up a lonely left sock by any means. Once they get their hands on your sock, I’m afraid that’s it. *Whoosh* You won’t see it again.
So, what do they do with these socks I hear you ask? In short, everything and anything! Their whole society is built upon sock foundations. Literally. Every type of sock you can think of has a purpose to a sock goblin. Their homes are built using only the hardiest, non-holey and thickest socks they can find. The softest, woolliest socks are made into beds, preferably in calming colours but like us humans, there are those who swear by browns and greys. The stretchiest will be used to make bridges and other long structures. Even the worst condition socks have a purpose. The long-neglected socks full of holes and threadbare are consumed by the community, in the most respectable manner of course. There’s no sock in existence that a clever sock goblin couldn’t find a use for. 
If they’re particularly pungent socks, all the better! Our foot sweat is like the sweetest, most aromatic perfume to them after all. They have actually managed to bottle the scent now so the finest fragrances can be enjoyed at leisure. They are quite ingenious when it comes to discovering novel sock uses it must be said. They say the stinkiest and oldest right foot socks are dedicated their own shrines. This sacred task is left to sock goblins with superior olfactory senses to determine. Though this is still largely theoretical, as nobody has been able to locate one of these extremely secretive places of worship. Still, there are compelling arguments supporting their existence and new evidence is surfacing every day. 
Many people have asked the obvious questions. Why continue to liberate socks from humans? Sock goblins have vast sock knowledge and the means; why don’t they simple produce their own? The straightforward answer – why would they?! In a world of human sock abundance, there simply isn’t a need. Additionally, they covet our foot odours. We just make it all too easy for them to harvest our socks.
They’re opportunistic creatures by nature, so will gladly partake in the bounties we provide. There are also long-established sectors dedicated purely to sock retrieval and sock processing. Quite prestigious and honourable roles in sock goblin society I might add.  Plus, in my humble opinion, I feel they enjoy the hunt. The element of danger of being caught, never knowing what sock raids might turn up and of course, that playful element of mischief. Knowing what joy socks bring them, it’s hard to be mad. I personally view it as a small way for us to give something back to nature too.
Well, I hope this has been enlightening for you, dear reader and has answered that one question that baffles so many of us. So next time you find an odd sock, feel free to check the obvious places but don’t be too upset if you can’t find it. Just remember, a sock goblin somewhere probably will have found a suitable use for it. Rest assured; your sock will be achieving far more in sock goblin society than it could ever hope to achieve on your foot.
- Rare and authenticated footage of a sock goblin folding a sock, slowed down frame by frame, is publicly available to view at: www.sockgoblinsareverycool.com/slowedsockgoblinfoldingsocks
- Many detailed accounts relating solely to: sock uses, sock crafts and sock trades, exist that can be referred to for those interested. I personally highly recommend: Sock Goblin Industries – A Complete Guide to Sock Uses and Trades by Woodia Greenwitch.
- For detailed reading into current theories and existing evidence regarding sock goblin religion I would suggest: Sock Goblin Religion Does Exist by Ash Greytree.
- There is a treasure trove of excellent research into this field. However, as a starting point I would suggest: The Lives of Sock Retrievers and Sock Sorters by Draken Pi Biro. Sorry, a bit of shameless self-promotion I know.
EDITOR’S NOTE: If you are having difficulty researching these sources, they might just be waiting with your missing socks.
Kieron P. Baird is a published writer, on a personal journey of self-discovery and improved mental well-being. Kieron has a First-Class Honours Degree in Animal Biology and lives in Central Scotland, UK. Connect with Kieron P. Baird on Facebook.